Plucky British Winner

War is a nasty business. Fraught with peril, death at every turn and, if Company of Heroes is to be believed, a fuckload of swearing. A few choice quotes from the British 2nd Army who, unlike a lot of strategy game units, don't simply reply "Sir?" "Affirmative" when clicked upon:

An infantry NCO to his squad: "Move it you fucking tossers!"

A tank commander to his crew: "Shut the fuck up! We're gettin' oooooordddurs."

A random infantryman, when gunning down the boche: "This is for my brother!"
Not as sweary, perhaps, but the little guy has a back story, for God's sake. What strategy games ladle that much character on the little toy soldiers you command?

Its brilliant stuff and enhances the immersion no end. Its also refreshing for the British in the Second World War to be portrayed as proper hard bastards, as opposed to a bunch of upper class tossers who bow down to Monty and, when a tiger tank is hidden in a hay bail not four hundred yards away, sniff, look down their long aristocratic noses and reply:

"Ai've bin told to avoid causing damage to civilian property! If I can't see the buggah, I can't blooday shoot him, carn I?"

This:

"********** ****** you *******!!!"

Not this:

"Mmmmmeeeuuurrrggghh."

But it was only today when the absolute genius of imbuing each of the tiny men with so much character was made absolutely clear to me.

Thus:

The Story of Jeffery, The Best Commando Who Ever Lived

Skirmish is really where Company of Heroes excels. Certainly, with the addition of two wholly distinct sides (the new Panzer Elite and the Brits) I can see endless longevity in the online multiplayer. That's if I ever actually get into a game.

In many ways, I think the reason I had so many problems was simply due to my computer forming some bizarre resistance movement against Relic's matchmaking system. I was continually "unable to connect to all players." After about fifteen minutes endlessly clicking join, a process complicated by my web connection dropping out multiple times and the in-built necessity, every time it did, to sign back into my relic account, I finally joined a game and, after about three minutes of real play, the entire enemy team dropped out.

I think they were just scared.

Its strange because I hadn't seen Relic's matchmaking system mentioned in any capacity, positive or negative, in a single one of the reviews I'd read. It was pretty shocking to see how horrendously clunky it was. After the on-line experience of World in Conflict (hich is streamlined to perfection where this is concerned) Opposing Fronts felt like falling back into Medieval times with Billy Connolly.

All that being said, I still find the single player experience of CoH very diverting. The sheer attention to detail is breathtaking. For example, in the third Allied mission, you are allotted a task force of Royal Commandos - those of the Red Devil bravado and maroon caps - to attack a German airfield outside of Caen.

Its a night mission and operates on the basis of CoH's rather skewed version of stealth which is basically as full of explosions as the usual levels only without some of the bigger tanks and base construction. Its a lovely homage to Command and Conquer's rock hard non-production missions.

The Night

When you land, all your troops have slightly different vocal responses and they whisper. That's pretty class. Then, a little later, the mission switches (as such missions are wont to do) to the usual combined arms assault sort of stuff. Your support arrives in the form of a Canadian regiment.

"Its quiet. Almost... too quiet." "Why do you have to say that every single night, Kleiner?"

In a lesser game, the Canadians would be no different to your usual units. Maybe they'd be a different colour and when you clicked on them, the little unit display at the bottom would say CANADIAN. That's the sort of thing I've become unconsciously used to in games.

COH is different. Despite the fact the units are basically the same, they are all Canadian. Their vocal "affirmatives" and "WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING DIE!" are all in a warbling Canadian lilt. There's even a French Canadian who gets some cracking lines.

Its sort of breathtaking that they went to all that effort for one single level, when the majority of World War II games are happy to have Americans versus Nazis and leave it at that. I can imagine lots of Canadians, sitting down to play the game, being very pleasantly surprised that their involvement (and that of the Commonwealth) has actually been acknowledged for once.

But the best occurrence in that level was a little later.

I was busy securing the foothold I'd created when a secondary objective popped up. "Destroy the fuel barrels" it said. I noted where they were positioned on the minimap and thought, "Sure, I'll do those when I come to them."

The thing was, scrolling across the battlefield, I came across a Helpful Little Hint saying "Land a Glider Here," on a patch of rutted earth behind the fuel barrels. I had the Manpower (COH's currency of choice) to spare and so launched a glider.

It came grinding in behind the objective, the nose opened and out charged my Commandos in their wonderfully, deliriously Boys Own sort of way. I charged the fuel compound, but made a mistake.

Not Jeffery, but its nice to pretend.

In my rush to take the fight to the dirty huns, I had neglected an unguarded side entrance into the compound. My assault team went for the main gates, where the concentration of enemy patrols were lying in wait.

As soon as the bullets started flying (cue: "I'M FUCKING HIT!" "THE TOSSERS ARE ALL OVER US!") I aborted Plan A and rerouted my men to the side entrance. I got them in the compound but troops from all over were converging on them.

The thing with Commandos is, they're better than the Wehrmacht's standard soldiers at the best of the times and COH is a very generous game. As this was designed as a non-production sort of level, the enemy were really just the fabled "old men and boys" World War Two pre-mission Intel always optimistically states it will be. They were the most standard of the Axis forces avaliable with barely more than bolt action rifles, so I only a couple of men in the suicidal charge on the main gates and the quick about turn round the back.

On top of that, COH had also provided some pick-up-able weaponry within the compound. In the game, you will occasionally wipe out a LMG squad, a HMG unit or some infantry with a bazooka. When you do so, this is dropped on the ground and you can pick it up and use it yourself. Each of your squads are limited to just one of these bonus pick-ups but they're worth having, as they really do increase the fire power available to you. Indeed, its basically essential for a few of your infantry units to grab some anti-tank hardware. A brace of panzershreks can be the difference between a failed offensive and Victoria Cross-winning glory.

This is exactly what it was like. Only it didn't look half as good on my PC.

This being the case, I got my Commandos to grab a discarded German LMG. Then they got stuck in. Basically, it wasn't looking great. They were pinned down in medium cover by a group of German infantry to the north and another squad that had rushed in from the east.

Fortunately, Royal Commandos (uniquely among the British) are equipped with frag grenades. I used these desperately, thinning the numbers of the enemy thronged about me.

It still wasn't looking good. My men were being killed too. COH is odd like this at times. Due to the way the firefights function, there can be a period where the two opposing sides line up and shoot at one another, bullets going everywhere, no-one getting hit, no-one even being suppressed then, all of a sudden, a flurry of deaths on both sides.

Indeed, this is exactly what happened. Suddenly, I was reduced to one man, one maroon beret-ed glider hero. His comrades cut down in a mist of red around him, he cowered behind a metal support strut.

Another quirk of COH's gameplay is that, if a unit does pick up a fallen weapon, invariably (be it a bug, a facet of the game's code, a health bonus - whatever) it is the man who is clutching the scrounged gun who is left alive.

Again, this was the case. Jeffery, my one brave soul, his unit butchered, still had the LMG and, with it, a palpable chance.

Also, he had a grenade. I liked to think that it was either his very last one, thrown to him by his dying sergeant in a last, Herculean effort or his "lucky grenade" his mates had always ribbed him for carrying, which had remained in his belt throughout Italy and North Africa. Seeing his death was just around the corner, he hurled it.

It landed among the Germans to the north, exploded, killed four. The fifth scarpered.

This only left the two Germans to the east. Jeffery promptly stepped out from cover, the debris from the grenade blast still raining down all about, and pumped a burst into one of the Germans. The other ducked out of sight.

I took my chances and instructed Jeffery to plant his demo charge. There were more Germans closing in on him, time was of the essence.

He went to work. The little progress bar blinked into existence.

The German to the east raised his rifle. This is it, I thought. Sorry Jeffery.

The German fired. He missed. The bullet must have nicked Jeffery's ear but it missed.

The progress bar increased. The other Nazis closed in. The single East German, Jeffery's nemesis, worked the bolt of his rifle - click, click - raised it. His second shot went wide.

Like I said, old men and boys. Rubbish.

Jeffery finished wiring in the demo. He turned, picked up his LMG and opened up. The East German was tumbled by the bullets.

The thing was, I couldn't risk getting Jeffery clear of the blast. I had to blow the fuel tanks now, to earn the secondary objective medal. Yes. That's right. I was the worst O/C ever, sacrificing my men for glory.

Once explosives are planted in COH, its up to your discretion when you push the plunger. A lovely little "Detonate!" icon appears.

Sorry, Jeffery. I clicked it. The explosions filled the screen. A clutch of Jerries, racing to the compound, were blown apart. The East German who Jeffery had so calmly put down was liquidised where he lay.

The fireball dissipated. The smoke cleared, revealing fire streaked, twisted wreckage.

And, standing in the centre of it all, my maroon beret hero. Jeffery, still swinging his LMG, surrounded by destruction.

My medal award notification appeared. I didn't care. I owed it to Jeffery to get him out alive. Double quick, I sent him legging it from the smouldering compound, resolving that I would keep him off the line till the end of the mission and keep the poor blighter alive.

But this was not to be.

A bit of COH scripting kicked in and Jeffery went to ground in a collection of buildings just south of the compound. He was behind enemy lines, as airborne troops are supposed to be and so was hiding until morning until the other elements of the assault force rescued him.

Not long after, I completed the mission. Fade out.

The Morning

Fade in. The next mission.

Its weird. I've got these screenshots from all sorts of places - and they're literally all of the mission I'm describing.

I have to admit, about twenty minutes in to the next part of the level - to well and truly destroy the airfield with a proper full sized, combined arms force - I'd sort of forgotten about Jeffery. Indeed, that first half of the mission involves setting up a defensive line and repulsing wave after wave of German counter-attack, so I was somewhat distracted.

Then, with the Germans repulsed, it came to the final push.

And another secondary objective appeared. "Save the Commandos." At the side of the map, suddenly stripped of fog of war, I saw a single building, surrounded by Germans. On the roof, entirely uncontrollable, still firing his LMG: Jeffery, the last of his unit. His health was dwindling.

Some Canadians on their way to save Jeffery.

I diverted my entire force. Hordes of infantry, commando and Canadian and tanks of every size flowed across the map like some river of divine retribution. They cut through the Germans assailing Jeffery with appalling ease.

Jeffery came sprinting from the building and was returned to my direct control. I sent him to the very rear of the map, well out of harm's way.

I like to imagine that Jeffery was returned to Blighty, a hero, that he survived the war and went to have great success in civilian life. I like to think he wasn't too traumatised by the slaughter of his unit due to my hapless tactics and wasn't too haunted by all the Germans he killed and was able to marry, settle down with a decent job and sire a great brigade of children.

It made me wish that COH had a more advanced, more intricate veteran system, with stats at the end that (in a Worms sort of way) commented on the performance of the men at my command, where individuals in squads could be promoted to squad leader and where, after every level, there was a list of medal citations for remarkable acts.

Still, no matter. Perhaps it doesn't all need validation by the game. Perhaps, just as a story, a myth of one man, upon whom the tide of war did not weigh but who, regardless, did his damned finest, is enough.

To Jeffery. A true Brit.